Table for uh...one please :(

So I have been awfully busy lately so that is why I have not posted any new updates. I've been exhausted and mentally drained from all that I have been doing to get kids ready for school and the sheer stress of all that scheduling. In fact I have had the HARDEST time getting up in the mornings and have no energy all day.

My weight loss progress has been hindered by all the stress and busy stuff I've been doing. I have NO good excuse other than I am a failure. Every time I try something new to lose weight and get healthy, it is a flop. I thought for sure this would be a great way to have others keep me in line and help support me, but I don't think that there are any people out there reading this. I think I am once again writing to myself. What a very lonely thought. :(

Probably the only people who are reading this are my sisters and my mom and maybe my sister-in-law who was inspired by my blog at first, but has probably since given up on me as well. I think that lonely feeling that I get when I think about nobody caring enough to read my blog is the same lonely feeling I feel day in and day out with never getting to communicate with people and be a member of the social world because I am cooped up in my house with a group of kids all day. It is the same lonely feeling when I think of my one and only friend Sheila that moved to Illinois this May and now I feel like I am isolated even more. It's the same lonely feeling that I feel when I realize that I have no friends, not one! And it's this same lonely feeling that makes me eat and makes me feel bad about myself and makes me gain weight.

I told you from the beginning this blog was going to be honest - so there you have it. I am a miserable lonely person that fears I will die and have no one besides a few family members to miss me. I have acquaintances but when it comes down to inviting people to do things I am NEVER on the invite list...never have been. I don't know what it is about me that people like and can be my friend when we have to be together for school or something, but not enough to ever include me in anything. It makes me sad. I feel the same way now as I did in High school when My Best Friends' Wedding came to the theaters. I wanted to see it so badly because Julia Roberts is one of my favorite actresses and I called everyone I knew to see if I could find a friend to join me and no one said yes. I felt so bad after that that I cried for awhile until my mom grabbed her purse and dropped what she was doing to go see a movie with her sad and lonely daughter. What a nice mom. I think this will happen again soon. A decade or so later, I want to see yet another Julia Roberts movie, Eat, Pray, Love, and I am saddened by the thought that once again I have no one to see it with, only this time my mom lives 6 1/2 hours away and can't really come with me, though I know she would if she could.

So there you have it. I'm a clown (Kelly you know what I mean) smiling on the outside, but sad on the inside. (I promise I'm NOT depressed and don't need an intervention, but when I think about my lack of friends and lack of life outside my house, it makes me sad). I just want friends. I think that if I had friends and a life outside my house I wouldn't weigh so much. Just a thought.

See how handsome my 6 year old big First grader is?

So sorry for such a depressing post! Man, what a mood killer! You probably all weigh as much as me now after reading my post cause I drove you to your own depressions causing you to eat in pity for me!! :) So there is yet another root to my eating problems. Any suggestions for trimming this weed?

Shame, shame, shame...

I've not done nearly as well the last few days as I had intentions to do. However, my weight still went down a bit. I think it's been because I've been sick all week and being sick unmotivates me like it does everyone, so I care way less what I eat or how messy my house looks at the moment.

Keep thinking of me on m journey! I'll do better so you can all be proud and post thousands of comments!

Ta ta for now!

To School or Not to School...How Crazy can I be??

My Crazy Life
a one scene play by Stacey....


Eyes wide, sweat pouring off my forehead, I look at the calendar and gasp for air...could it be? Could school really only be starting less than four weeks away?? I dash to the computer panicked by the mere thought of it. The school website confirms it!!! What am I to do? Loading and unloading and transporting all over again all those daycare kids and my own, my head spins. Then I sigh. I am ok with my craziness, but the only question that lingers is how will I get them there? By boat? No, I lent mine to Beyonce. By plane? No don't have that either, it's flying around the world right now. By Suburban? No, mine only seats 7 and I will have 10-11 kids. Aaaahhhhhhh! The panic sets in again as a wave of stress washes over me. (end scene).

This is my current state of mind. I know a bit dramatic but when you think of the predicament I am in, not so over the top. I truly am panicked by the fact that school starts exactly 4 weeks from this past Monday. I have 5 kids to take to and from school three times a day. I have seven spots in my Suburban, IF I strap Owen and Raymond together in the front seat illegally like last year. However, I will have 10-11 or 12 kids to load and unload everyday. I've been trying to find a 13-15 passenger van, but we can't get a loan because our credit is in the crapper from all the debt we racked up in college and just post college. We obviously don't have the cash to pay out of pocket, so I am literally between a rock and a hard place. (sidenote - Stacey's Daycare accepts all cash donations to: Help a poor Mom Out at Omaha, NE). Ahem, anyways. :)

When I started this blog it was to discuss my weight loss (or lack there of but hopefully the first one) AND my life in general that had to do with me. So this post just happens to primarily be about my constant state of mind as of late. I apologize if you were hoping to hear about the HORRIBLE Taco Johns taco I ate last night after we went swimming. :(

I will be on the run starting Aug. 16 when school starts, I have to take kids to school, pick up preschoolers, then pick up Elementary kids 5 days a week, I have a household to run, a daycare to run, 4 children of my own, a husband, two dogs, a rat, a yard that is desperate for some weeding and trimming attention, I volunteered to help teach preschool midweek at church on Wednesdays from time to time, and now I'm considering taking one online class at the community college here in town. Hello. My name is Crazy, with a capital C. The only reason that I am considering this is because I am too nervous to call the people that pay for my scholarship that just recently sent me a check for $150 in back pay (long story) and want me to resign my contract with them, I just deposited. I am afraid if I say I'm not taking a class, they will want me to pay it back. They might not, but that's just the type of person I am. A person that accepts free money and asks questions later - a.k.a. a poor person.

So call me crazy, call me whatever you want, but while you are making all these calls, can you please call the car loan people to give me a loan on a big van so I can at least relieve one major stress in my life??

-I sigh. I walk away from the computer and go to the kitchen cabinets to look at all the wonderful food and yummy snacks......that I can't eat. Oh bummer.

The End.

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back...

Well if you read the title you probably guessed that I had a few slip ups this last weekend, but as long as I'm still two forward and only one back then I am doing better than not!

I did really well all through Friday until dinner. Tony's brother and wife and son came to town so we ordered pizza. I ate less than I normally would (old me = 4-5 pieces, new me = 2 1/2 pieces). It was veggies and hamburger on it I think. But I can justify it because Saturday we spent the day walking the Zoo, so I pretty much walked a good portion of that off. Then I was good Sat. and Sun. until Sun. night when I didn't feel good and neither did Tony, so we got Chinese take out. I can honestly but grudingly admit that I ate my whole meal and then some, but my proud point with the whole Chinese thing is that today I would normally have eaten all of the leftovers myself - BUT I used it for daycare and they had a Chinese buffet of sorts. So there! :)

I'm not being too hard on myself for a few reasons. First being that I lost a total of 5 pounds already from Tuesday until Sunday. So that's awesome for me!! Just 70 more to go!! But for number two, I keep telling myself not to get depressed about a slip up here and there because I am new to this whole eating less than I normally do thing. It really does take training! You wouldn't believe how exhausting it can be sometimes when I think I need a snack (when I don't) and to keep walking into the kitchen and rummaging through the cabinets and fridge, just to tell myself that I don't need anything and walk out. That alone should earn me a few walking exercise points right??

Which brings me to my next topic. Exercise. I wish I could be a fly on someones wall to see when and how they exercise on a daily basis. I don't get it. I don't understand how ANYONE, especially with kids, can find the time in their day to work out. It stresses me out actually that I still cannot find a time slot in my day to work out. You might ask why not work out instead of blog. Well the simple answer to that is because it's easier to get on the computer during nap time than it is to do a workout video when 4-6 kids are quietly watching a movie during nap time. I am still working on this part, but for now trying to keep tackling the eating 1/2 my portion size is enough to worry about. I have to master that part first.

So please keep cheering me on. I need some support! I need people to tell me NOT to eat snacks and NOT to give in to yummy temptations!

Right now I am feeling the urge to eat too because I am a bored eater and a stress eater and my constant stress right now is trying to figure out how I am going to get all the kids to and from school this next year. I have too many kids to fit in my Suburban and I need a solution before Aug. 16. 

Alright I better go throw together a small meatloaf for dinner tonight. I have to take Owen and Raymond to their first swimming lessons at 6:20! I'm very excited for them.

Fat and Sunburned

I know the title is not very nice about myself, but I've learned that the truth hurts. Just like seeing pictures of myself from this weekend at my parents lake house with the kids!! WOW! I knew that I am overweight but for real? How did I get this way?? I understand how I have stayed this way...but how did I get THIS way?

So I hadn't posted in a few days because I was first getting ready for my trip to MO with just me and the kids and then I was in MO until late last night when we finally made it home. I had NO intentions of starting my diet until after getting back from vacation because I knew it would be a horrible trip if I was just starting a new health craze, so instead I went through an eating frenzy. I know, totally unhealthy and gross, but my mom made enough food to feed us all for a week, and no one rarely cooks different and yummy foods for me, so I took advantage. I ate, then ate some more, then even when my stomach was full and stretched to the max I ate some more. I drank a little wine and enjoyed myself. Glutenous. Terrible, I know. However I looked at pictures of me with the kids and almost cried at myself. I am my own worst enemy. I so want to crop myself out of the pictures with the kids, but it's pictures of me helping the boys learn how to fish and cook hot dogs over a fire and put Tess in the pool for the first time. So they are all memorable moments, so it'd be sad for me to not be there. So I will stay in the pictures and they will be a reminder that I cannot look this way again.

I got back home last night and wrote in my food journal my goals for today which were very simple....eat less, skip the junk, try and keep track of my weight watchers points and drink less caffeine free diet coke (which is a staple in my current diet). So far so good. I'm proud of myself today. I thought because I ate so much this weekend that I would be hungrier today, but I think the pictures of me are branded onto my brain and I am embarrassed at how I look.

Today I have enjoyed foods such as a small slice of home made banana bread for breakfast and a fat free blueberry yogurt. For lunch I had a turkey sandwich on whole wheat flat bread with some veggies and that's it for the day so far. If any of you have any really good low fat recipes for meals for the family that even Tony would eat I'd love to try them!!

Beyond the fat part and the glutenous weekend, I had a fabulous time! We spent a great deal of time on my dad's boat, fishing, or riding around, sipping wine, cooking hotdogs over the fire, making smores with the kids, watching fireworks. I missed Tony, but still had a great time. I felt good about being able to do a trip with four kiddos too. That was a super ego boost. The kids had a ton of fun too. None of us got sunburned until our last day there when we just jumped on the boat for about an hour. I lathered up the kids in sunscreen and my arms and some of my face but missed my chest and neck and now have a HUGE red sunburn there. Oh well. It's evidence that I had fun in the sun!

So start your cheering. I need all the encouragement I can get! Today is the official start of my diet and I NEED to do well. I WANT to do well and I want to be a skinnier, healthier me.

Babies, Babies everywhere!!!!

So I hope that many of you got to read my last post - my inaugural post, because it describes my goals with this blog. If not, please take the time to do so, it will explain this self prescribed blog.

The best place to start is at the beginning. I have four kids for those of you that don't know this. I have been married for seven years this August and for the majority of my adult life I have been pregnant. My kids range in age from 6 years to almost 6 months. Things I have learned about myself during this process is that for my first three pregnancies I loved being pregnant, my fourth I knew it was the last because it just was very confining to me. During each of my pregnancies I never really gained that much weight, less than the average woman I've been told, but it's the post baby weight that I never really lost with each kid. So, I'd gain baby weight and not lose it then get pregnant again and gain new baby weight and not lose it and so on and so forth, so by the end of the whole process I had gained about 60 pounds that I haven't lost. I had gained about 10 pounds when dating Tony, so overall I am hoping to eventually lose about 70-75 pounds. Now as everyone knows, even blogging about it, doesn't mean I'm going to tell you my weight! That would just be crazy!

Here is my main dilemma. I work from home running my own daycare, therefore I don't get out of the house which poses three problems. I don't get real outside exercise, I don't interact with other people and I have a kitchen at my disposal for constant snacking. See my problem? On top of this I am not skilled enough to juggle my schedule to figure out when to exercise. As it is I don't get to bed until midnight most nights, and though I am on the blog right now, kids are here and I can't really  start a workout video when I'm working as easily as I can type up a quick blog. As soon as daycare kids get picked up at 6pm, then it's dinner, baths, play with the kids for a bit, then off to bed for them. After they are asleep I work on paperwork and cleaning up things I couldn't when they were here. So you see suggestions are welcome as to when and how to exercise!

My first step to success I am hoping is to start journaling the things I consume. Then I can see what I actually eat and drink and can then start to see how to start eating less. I need to keep in my head that the kitchen is closed except at mealtimes and that even the cook can't get a taste before then.

So here is a little background info. and a little guide to my life. I wasn't always a fatty, in fact I used to think I was even a little hot! (grins sheepishly) but now I have gone from hotty to self conscience and insecure.


So I plead with the blogging world.....please help me keep myself in check and help me stay sane in the chaos that is my world. More later....

Finally it's all about me!!!

This is my inaugural post. Welcome to my new blog that doesn't just talk about my kids. For too long I have submerged myself into my kids' lives and feel like I have lost my identity. I dearly love my children and don't mind most of the time devoting my life to their needs and wants, but am scared that when they are grown and gone (which is happening much faster than I would like) I will not know what to do with myself. Once an avid reader and somewhat of a literary, I have read maybe five books in the last 6 1/2 years. This is just an example of something that is lost - a part of me. When I stop and think about things I am interested in, I just don't know. (As a side note, I had to go back in my photo archives to find a picture of me for this blog that did not involve kids - there were like a total of 5!!!! It's almost like I am the camera woman of my life, but I'm not in it.)

This blog will be about me and generally speaking only me. Yes there might be a kids or husbands name thrown in the mix from time to time, but usually only in reference to how they have made me feel about something. My goal of this blog is to keep it light hearted and to make my life seem funnier than it is. When something is depressing me or making me feel bad I want to take the negative out of it by sharing it with you all and in doing so making it seem funny or find the good in the bad. I hope I succeed. Amidst the "feelings" of this blog I am also going to use this blog to journal my (hopefully successful) weightloss. I've discovered that I am not a good motivator of myself. But if I put it all out there for you to judge and read, I will be more likely to try harder so you all can cheer me on! :) And in doing so, hopefully I will find myself thinner, healthier and happier.I feel like I have so much to say and no one to say it to. I spend my entire day surrounded by kids that the most important thing to them is if they got a new toy or got to do something fun. I feel a little starved for adult communication at times and my poor daycare moms sometimes get caught in my chatty web. I don't have many friends these days and rarely get out of the house because of working at home and then my large family. I'm not complaining but I do desire to be one of those women that has a small group of girlfriends that go to monthly lunches or go to get their hair done together or take their kids to the park together. You know very Sex in the City-ish. Recently my best friend moved out of Omaha, and though we didn't see each other as much as I would have liked, we talked non-stop and now I don't really have that because we are so busy with our own lives. So my goal with this blog is to hopefully put it all out there - speak to my audience, if there is one, and communicate with people older than 5.

Please comment! About my posts, about my weight loss, about my thoughts, about me in general - but try and be kind! This is your window into my brain so tread lightly! :)
I hope to entertain you a bit and keep you coming back for more. I already have like the next 50 blog posts in mind because as many of you know I like to talk, so this is just one more way to do that!

Well I will close for tonight and start my weight loss posting tomorrow. I intend on trying to post daily no matter if it's just one sentence (which might be impossible for me) or a books worth of commentary. I will still have my family blog at coffeylifeomaha.blogspot.com where I will talk about my family and things the kids are up to but this one is just for me. So check often for updates and welcome to a blog that is all about me.