Oh Motivation...

As of lately since my back is feeling better and I have some Physical Therapy appointments lined up for my back and abdominal muscles, I am feeling more motivated to begin some sort of workout routine. I am hopelessly lost when it comes to the eating aspect of my life right now, because I am having some addiction to chocolate that I am not being able to kick. I have always been a choc-o-holic, but lately it's gotten to a scary point where I almost can't live with out it! I joke that I would bleed chocolate lately, but seriously folks, does that mean I am missing something physically from my body (hormones, chemically imbalanced, stress relief or simply addicted to the lovely taste of chocolate?)

I've decided to put some of the eating habits on the back burner for now, since I am failing in that respect to my weight loss and have decided to switch up what I had originally seen as a common sense way to start...that being to eat healthier first then build up to working out - I now think I will reverse that. I think now that if I start working out then I WILL eat healthier. So we'll see what happens.

When it comes to working out I need a goal though. You'd think just knowing I could be thinner and healthier and happier would be a goal, but I need an actual tangible goal in order to have a sort of deadline. My inspiration for this goal that I am about to tell you about comes from a number of people that I know that have recently been doing it. My sister-in-law, and MANY of my friends and my oldest sister has always done it - run a race!! I know you probably think I am crazy, and I am not talking like a 20 mile race or a sprint or anything of the sort, but a 5K. I'm only in the preliminary moments of this thought process so bear with me, but I don't know where to start! I am seeking help from my oldest sister and from a friend of mine that has been a runner her whole life and is in races all the time. I also found a website that is called from Couch to 5K, and it seems pretty reputable and has a workout program for the very beginner runner to be able to work up to running a 5K! It has really good articles on it too.

My second dilemma is finding time to work out, especially now that it's getting dark out earlier and entering into Winter (however the next few weeks into Nov. seem like a beautiful weather season to start a workout program). I cannot afford a gym membership and have no workout equipment at my home except a pair of dumbells and a exercise ball. Plus I don't know when, that's actually the biggest question! So any help any of you readers could spare, would be AWESOME. The final dilemma is finding a race. I want one soon enough that I have a sort of immediate goal, but also far enough away to train for it. I don't want to rush myself. Maybe early Spring??

I'm very excited about this decision and I really hope I can stick to it. But before I ACTUALLY start, I need to figure out the logistics of how and when to exercise. So help if you can and if not pray for my success and for my motivation to withstand!

Happy Halloween!

Family Pictures!

I LOVE getting pictures taken of my family. I love all the aspects of it. Luckily I have a great friend that is trying to start her own Photography business and she wanted to take my family's pictures for a dirt cheap price. Of course I accepted because I have NO family pictures since Tess was born and I was super excited. So yesterday we went and spent two hours at a terrific park where there are wrought iron bridges, lots of cobblestone stair cases, lots of changing leaves and trees and awesome picture places. In fact there were like 5 or 6 other photographers taking pictures at the same time!

Tonight she posted my pictures on her Photographer Facebook page (Laura Knobbe Photography) and they turned out AWESOME! For her not technically being a professional photographer, she did a great job. The only downfall to the pictures are me. If I weren't in them they'd be even better and it PAINS me to feel that way. I know everyone does this, but when I look at the picture, instead of seeing all the smiles, I see my double chin, and my rolling gut. YUCK! I love two things about myself...my awesome red hair and my bright blue eyes. Everything else I can find to criticize. But besides that fact I am still like a kid on Christmas with my new pictures. I can't wait to pick up the cd from her tomorrow and start getting them printed out! Yay for new pictures. Now if I can only get my back fixed so I can do something about my double chin and rolling gut, this might just be the motivation I need....but I need to be able to walk first!!

But I must say that as overweight as I am and disappointed in myself for getting this way....I could never be upset about the 4 most wonderful things I created! Aren't my kids just gorgeous?!!

Happy October!

what a pain in the back!

So my back went out about a year ago when I was pregnant with Tess, it was SOO painful and incapacitated me. Since then I will get an occasional twinge in my back in that same spot if I've overdone it a bit, but I can usually stretch those muscles, take some Tylenol and it will go away.

Not yesterday though. It had hurt in that spot all morning and felt on the verge of going out and I tried to stretch but it wasn't really helping. I loaded up the van and took kids to school and when I went to load up the 3 two year olds and Tess that I had with me at the preschool to head home my back popped in that spot and I about passed out it was so painful. It took all my energy to shuffle out of the van and shuffle to the drivers door already in tears. A couple of preschool parents asked me if I was ok, and I just said my back was out and I needed to call someone. I got my cell phone (very painfully) and called my mother in law first and asked her to meet me at my house to help me get kids out of the van, then I called Tony to ask him to take his lunch at preschool pick up time to pick up the preschoolers. I finally got myself in the van but drove only about 15 miles per hour slumped over in the drivers side and in tears the whole way home.

Once home it took me over 10 minutes to get out of the drivers side and work my way around the front of the van to open the doors where the kids were. I stood there trying to not move and breathing through my pain until Holly pulled up behind me. She got all the kids unloaded and I got inside where I made the mistake of trying to sit in my computer desk chair. I took a muscle relaxer and sat without moving for about an hour while Holly ran around and took care of the kids. I finally called all the parents to have them pick up their kids earlly and to tell them I had to close the daycare for Tuesday.

Finally Holly got me up to go to the bathroom and then I laid down on the heating pad flat on my bed which felt so much better than sitting up and I stayed there the rest of the night. So that was about 11am-7pm. Finally I got out of  bed by myself to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and feed Tess and was back in bed with my 3rd dose of muscle realxer and Tylenol PM and fell asleep. I got up at 7:15 this morning and felt much better and have increasingly felt better all day little by little. Yesterday I literally couldn't physically get myself out of bed and today I could with ease (but slowly and still with the chance of it going back out). So tomorrow the daycare will be open, but am giving myself serious lifting limitations and lots of time to sit down. Please pray that my back heals completely and that I can get into the physical therapist soon to start once a month appts at least to prevent this from happening again. I can't work on my seperated abdominal muscle if I don't get my back fixed first cause right now I can't do situps or any such activity.

So say a prayer for me and remind yourself to be mindful of the way you lift things!!

It's Fall and life is good!

My favorite time of year is finally here. It's a time of year where fat or skinny, young or old, stressed or poor it doesn't matter! It's Fall. I love everything about this season, from the pumpkins, to the falling leaves to raking those falling leaves and the smells of the cold air and dead leaves and the wood burning stoves of the neighbors. MMMMM. Love those smells. I love apples and stews and the changing colors. If you can think of something about fall, I can promise you I love it! It makes me euphoric. It makes me feel like I am floating on a cloud of with not a care in the world. Seriously. As crazy as it sounds! For instance right now I am a failure at losing weight and just keep eating like I have a death wish and finding NO time to work out, and we are in an extremely bad financial way right now, but I don't feel stressed one bit about it. It's the season I tell ya, it calms me like nothing else can!

It's a good thing my 30th birthday also lands in the month of October (exactly two weeks away in fact) because the season is making me less stressed out about the fact that I am about to be 30!!!!! But let's move on from that fact. My 30th birthday is looking to be a fun party. My sisters and parents and best friend and her family are all coming into town to celebrate ME! (see it IS all about me!!) :) My birthday just so happens to land on a Saturday so I am making the whole crew follow me to Vala's Pumpkin Patch in the Omaha area (a HUGE and AWESOME pumpkin patch that you spend all day at and still don't get to do everything) for the day and then getting babysitters that night so the grown ups can go to a nice dinner and drinks to follow. I hope I have something cute to wear that won't show off my huge gut. :(

Despite my failed attempts a weight loss as of late, I am feeling a bit more motivated these days to accomplish things I hadn't made time for before. I am proud of myself of a couple of things too. First being that I used to be a night owl not by choice but because that's the only time I have to myself after the kiddos and hubby go to bed. BUT  I have been so exhausted lately that I have decided that I need to make a bedtime for myself. So lately I have been making myself be in bed at 10pm, no matter what I need to get done. Just leave it for the next day. Let me tell you I have felt renewed all week because of extra sleep I have been getting. That is one thing that might help me lose weight because I think somewhere I read that people that get better sleep tend to lose more weight. So here's hoping!

The other thing I am proud of myself about (even though it technically hasn't happened yet) is that I told Raymond and Owen that once my 24 pack of Caffeine free diet coke ran out I wasn't going to buy anymore and I could only have soda when we go out to eat as a treat because I drink entirely too much soda. So they are going to help me moderate my soda intake. These two changes are significant in my life so I hope I can keep them up because that too will make me happy!

Anyways...these are just a couple of little things I had to say. I am so excited that it is October and that I can finally enjoy my favorite time of year! I will post some pictures soon, but tonight Tony took Owen to the semi-pro local football game and he took the camera with him that has any new pictures on it! So you'll just have to wait. Sorry.

I am off to fold more clothes and bask in my euphoric Fall.

P.S. I am the best bargain shopper in the world!!! (yes I am bragging) I find end of season stuff for Tess for less than $2.00 a piece at Old Navy and Target all the time. She is almost stocked up to 2T!! Tonight I found her 12 MORE things that were all under $5 to start with and they were marked 50% off of that at Old Navy! Sorry I had to brag a bit because it's like a high to find such bargains!

Happy Fall everyone. Go play in the leaves, go for an evening stroll with your honey, eat caramel apples and beef stew and carve a great pumpkin! I will chat with you soon and definitely will post 30th birthday pictures in a few weeks, but for now, go enjoy the FALL!

It's all good

First I'd like to apologize for my meltdown, even though it was honest and how I feel quite frequently. Your responses were overwhelming and so nice to get such an outpour of support. It's hard to understand that people really are cheering you on in the cyber world and sometimes it feels pointless to continue the blog effort. But with your responses, I feel renewed to keep my thoughts floating around the blogging world, no matter how meaningless!

My efforts with weight loss have been on a stand still lately because I am having trouble adjusting to my new schedule and routine of running around like a crazy person taking 6 kids to 4 different schools and picking them up 3 times a day, potty training my 2 1/2 year old (with SUCCESS!!) and being a mom to 4 kids of varying ages. It's tiring, time consuming, but I LOVE my kids more than words can describe, so that should be description enough! ha ha.

I will be 30 in a month and that is very sad for me. I know that I'm not on my death bed....yet....but I have a very strong fear of death and to think that 40 is only 10 short years away and how fast the last 10 years went by, that scares me. But I am going to try and celebrate by inviting my family and a few friends to spend the day at the HUGE pumpkin patch in the area (because Fall is one of my favorite things in the world), then get cute and go out to dinner at this cool restaurant in town. It should be fun. I never do anything for my birthday so this will help me keep my mind off of it.

But the weight loss thing will have to start again. I have added walking at least every other day to the school down the end of my street and back again to pick up one of my daycare kids. So there is a start. And it feels good, and I speed walk to make my muscles work and get my heart rate up. Hopefully there will be results. I am going to aim to build on this walking and even do it in the Winter.

But to end this post I just want to share with you all how excited I am to be typing this post from my new laptop that my mother-in-law's husband built for me with my wireless internet!! Woo-hoo. Love it. I've NEVER had a laptop before and it's difficult to learn how to type. So happy Fall day, I hope you all are enjoying beautiful weather like me!! Cheers!

Table for uh...one please :(

So I have been awfully busy lately so that is why I have not posted any new updates. I've been exhausted and mentally drained from all that I have been doing to get kids ready for school and the sheer stress of all that scheduling. In fact I have had the HARDEST time getting up in the mornings and have no energy all day.

My weight loss progress has been hindered by all the stress and busy stuff I've been doing. I have NO good excuse other than I am a failure. Every time I try something new to lose weight and get healthy, it is a flop. I thought for sure this would be a great way to have others keep me in line and help support me, but I don't think that there are any people out there reading this. I think I am once again writing to myself. What a very lonely thought. :(

Probably the only people who are reading this are my sisters and my mom and maybe my sister-in-law who was inspired by my blog at first, but has probably since given up on me as well. I think that lonely feeling that I get when I think about nobody caring enough to read my blog is the same lonely feeling I feel day in and day out with never getting to communicate with people and be a member of the social world because I am cooped up in my house with a group of kids all day. It is the same lonely feeling when I think of my one and only friend Sheila that moved to Illinois this May and now I feel like I am isolated even more. It's the same lonely feeling that I feel when I realize that I have no friends, not one! And it's this same lonely feeling that makes me eat and makes me feel bad about myself and makes me gain weight.

I told you from the beginning this blog was going to be honest - so there you have it. I am a miserable lonely person that fears I will die and have no one besides a few family members to miss me. I have acquaintances but when it comes down to inviting people to do things I am NEVER on the invite list...never have been. I don't know what it is about me that people like and can be my friend when we have to be together for school or something, but not enough to ever include me in anything. It makes me sad. I feel the same way now as I did in High school when My Best Friends' Wedding came to the theaters. I wanted to see it so badly because Julia Roberts is one of my favorite actresses and I called everyone I knew to see if I could find a friend to join me and no one said yes. I felt so bad after that that I cried for awhile until my mom grabbed her purse and dropped what she was doing to go see a movie with her sad and lonely daughter. What a nice mom. I think this will happen again soon. A decade or so later, I want to see yet another Julia Roberts movie, Eat, Pray, Love, and I am saddened by the thought that once again I have no one to see it with, only this time my mom lives 6 1/2 hours away and can't really come with me, though I know she would if she could.

So there you have it. I'm a clown (Kelly you know what I mean) smiling on the outside, but sad on the inside. (I promise I'm NOT depressed and don't need an intervention, but when I think about my lack of friends and lack of life outside my house, it makes me sad). I just want friends. I think that if I had friends and a life outside my house I wouldn't weigh so much. Just a thought.

See how handsome my 6 year old big First grader is?

So sorry for such a depressing post! Man, what a mood killer! You probably all weigh as much as me now after reading my post cause I drove you to your own depressions causing you to eat in pity for me!! :) So there is yet another root to my eating problems. Any suggestions for trimming this weed?

Shame, shame, shame...

I've not done nearly as well the last few days as I had intentions to do. However, my weight still went down a bit. I think it's been because I've been sick all week and being sick unmotivates me like it does everyone, so I care way less what I eat or how messy my house looks at the moment.

Keep thinking of me on m journey! I'll do better so you can all be proud and post thousands of comments!

Ta ta for now!